Some Kind Of Madness
by Shmowzow
Summary: Being cursed is one thing. Having to parade around town as Emma Swan's lover? That is another thing entirely. Well... At least the ruse has its perks. SwanQueen
1. Mirrors and Fevers

Some Kind of Madness

Chapter One: Mirrors and Fevers

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. **Trippy ass shit.**

A/N: I really don't know how these ideas get into my head. This was a random thought bubble that turned into an evil plot bunny. An evil plot bunny that won't allow me to write anything else until this madness runs its course. And I was nearly finished with updates for a few of my other fics! Damn you evil plot bunny.

**P. S. Currently ROTFLMAO at the Guest reviewer who became offended and disgusted over this being a "Gender Swap" fic. Dude... the hell did you read the second chapter for? It's made clear she's been cursed to look like a dude within the first scene. And, hey, she's not staying a guy. If that relieves some of the excruciating disgust you feel. If you don't like the idea just don't read it, no need to hate. Also, note that I have bolded the aforementioned "trippy ass shit" warning.**

**P. P. S. I think the postscript is a sufficient warning.**

* * *

Her head was aching in the worst of ways. The incessant throbbing right between her closed eyes felt as though a horde of elephants had been stampeding through her skull. She wondered offhandedly if one of her many enemies within Storybrooke had finally given in to the urge to poison her. The atrocious dinner at Granny's she'd attended the previous night would have given any who wished her ill will the perfect opportunity. Regina had initially refused to attend Emma's birthday celebration. She might currently be on civil terms with her son's other mother as well as the woman's idiotic parents, but that didn't mean she wanted to celebrate with them. Especially since she knew more than half of the town's occupants still harbored quite a bit of animosity toward her. However, Henry had all but begged her to attend. She didn't know how, exactly, her son managed to coax her into going. Though she supposed the feat might have been achieved with a little bit of blackmail.

The authentic, custom fitted, leather jacket she'd been contemplating whether or not to bestow upon Emma Swan had been her undoing. She wasn't sure how Henry found its hiding place, she would have to have another talk with him about snooping, but he had and boy had her son used it as a bargaining chip. Regina would have been proud of his ruthless display of manipulation had she not been the one on the receiving end of it.

A particularly vicious stab of pain erupted beneath her closed eyelids and her fond smile shifted into a grimace. Deciding to return back to the task at hand, Regina sped her walk to her bathroom medicine cabinet. Yanking the cabinet open and reaching for the bottle of aspirin. Even the dim light of early morning that seeped into her en suite bathroom from her bedroom windows set her retinas on fire. Forcing her to keep her eyes shut as she went about opening the bottle of aspirin and swallowing down two tablets.

She set her hands, palms flat, against the cool marble surface of the bathroom counter and leaned against the mirror. Her burning forehead pressed to the soothing glass. She knew she could've simply used magic to do away with her migraine. She knew it would have taken a single thought and an errant flick of her wrist and poof. Gone. It was only the near constant reminder of her promise to her son, her promise not to use magic unless absolutely necessary, that kept her from doing so. The fact that adhering to his one request seemed to make him actually _want_ to be near her was more of a motivator than anything. Regina did miss her magic. The feel, the power, the release, the unparalleled seduction of it. Her son, however, was more important than the fleeting rush magic provided her with.

The brunette sighed in relief and pulled back from the mirror when it felt like the drugs were kicking in. The throbbing at her temples was reduced to a light stinging and her eyes felt more dry than anything. She chanced opening her left eye, testing the effect of the soft lighting. When she didn't immediately feel like her eyeball was going to explode she opened both eyes fully. She looked into her large bathroom mirror and instantly wished she hadn't. Her first reaction was to conjure a fireball and throw it at the unknown threat she found staring back at her. Until she realized, fireball held at the ready, that the figure staring back at her was mimicking her every move. That it was mirroring her every expression. Until she realized it was her own reflection and upon that realization promptly began screaming. A scream that came out in a low, deep, growling bellow. A scream that had her son barging into her room and glaring confusedly at her.

"Henry!" Oh god, it sounded so different so strange so _wrong_ coming from her own mouth. Regina instinctually tightened her silk robe around her figure, not like the action was needed. She tried to regain her composure. To remove the shock, the confusion, and the pure unbridled panic across her face. "Go back to your room, darling."

Henry only gaped stupidly at her. Frozen completely still. Wide hazel eyes shifting over her face, over her figure, and back again in complete befuddlement. "_Mom_?!"

Regina blinked, clearly still in a state of shock, at her gaping son. She didn't want to look, didn't want to see what Henry was seeing. She didn't want to accept what madness had been forced upon her. She didn't want to... Her gaze moved involuntarily down to her chest. Specifically to the area where her breasts used to be. She frowned, some would call it a pout, and it would've been comical if not for the fact that she looked like she might be violently ill at any given moment. Her gaze traveled further along her form, assessing the damage. Her shirt buttons were straining over her torso in a way she wasn't smug about and her pants felt a great deal more constrictive than was typical. They also seemed to barely reach past her calves. Her silk robe was useless and she was pretty sure she'd ripped it in her frantic attempt to pull it around her strange new form. She wouldn't give that form a title, she couldn't. Not if she wanted to keep some semblance of control, of composure.

"Or, I mean," Regina did _not_ like the way her son was suddenly grinning at her. It was a grin that was all Emma Swan. All amusement and mischief and altogether _irritating_. "Should I start calling you Dad?"

She would have been livid, would have reprimanded her son for his insensitive jeer. Regina really would have, had she not been busy slipping into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Were you successful?"

He fiddled nervously with his hands, gaze trained anxiously upon the floor. Unable to look his inquisitor in the eyes. "Y-Yes. I was able to mix it into her drink."

"Did anyone see you?" The inquisitor hissed. "We can't have anyone tracing this back to us."

He flinched at the near vicious tone of voice. "I made sure no one saw me. I swear."

"If they ever catch on-"

He hurried to reassure his companion. "They won't."

"Good." A dark grin. "Now we reclaim what is rightfully mine."

* * *

Regina woke to someone poking her cheek. She groaned and swatted at the hand of the offender. Her dark brows furrowing when the poking finger turned into a jabbing finger. Her eyelids fluttered open, her bleary brown eyes fixing irately upon her son whose curious stare was trained upon her stubble covered face. His extended pointer finger once again coming into contact with her rough cheek as he uttered in mild amazement. "This is so weird."

She swatted at his hand once more. Sitting up with a gruff huff. Her gaze narrowed when she caught sight of her bare muscled chest. It seemed her favorite silk nightshirt decided it could no longer contain her manly assets. Her nose scrunched up in distaste at the dark, curled hairs covering her broad chest, trailing down her stomach, and leading to... Oh god. She might just faint again. The odd bulge in her pants was just too much to think about. The confusion and terror morphed into absolute seething rage at that precise moment. Propelling the brunette into a standing position. Expression enraged and fists balled tightly at her sides. "Who would _dare_ place such a ridiculous curse upon _me_!"

"Mom, you..." Henry laughed at the strangeness of the title considering his mom clearly was a dude. A dude wearing women's nightclothes. Clothes that did not fit him at all. "Can I please just call you Dad?"

Regina's hands went to her hips, features jumping indecisively from anger to shock to scolding. "No you may not, young man. And this is not the joke you perceive it to be. Someone has had the audacity to turn me into..." Her lips pulled back into a sneer and she gestured disdainfully at her figure. "Into _this _without considering the consequences of such ill advised action."

He could see the magic crackling beneath the surface and frowned. His amusement turned into concern and trepidation. She'd been doing so well after taking in the death curse to save his grandmother and his other mother. His family was finally at something close to a cease fire and he really wanted to keep it that way. He liked having both of his moms. If his mom started using magic for revenge again then things would go back to how they were and he didn't enjoy the thought of it. So he settled her with his big, open, pleading hazel eyes and took hold of her hands. Ignoring their change in size, shape, and feel. Ignoring the strangeness of his mother's softening expression on her new, more masculine, face. "Mom, its okay. It's just some stupid joke. I already called Emma so she can-"

"You called Emma?" Her softening gaze turned hard once more. Displaying exactly how against the idea of Emma _helping_ she was. Regina could just imagine how much of a kick the blonde would get out of her predicament and the thought had her pacing. "Why would you call her of all people, Henry? That woman is-"

"Regina?" A voice called from downstairs. "Henry?"

_'Speak of the devil.'_ Regina gritted her teeth, jaw clenching and migraine returning with a vengeance. She rubbed at the bridge of her nose. Taking a deep, calming breath before turning her attention to her son. "Go keep your mother preoccupied while I find something suitable to wear."

Henry didn't need to be told twice. And, hey, he could picture the look on Emma's face once he told her what happened. It was going to be hilarious.

Regina's shoulders slumped after watching the boy rush off. To him it was just some silly prank pulled. Just a bit of magic used to antagonize the Evil Queen. But she knew better. Magic always came with a price and she didn't want to find out what that price might be. She worried her bottom lip as she made her way to her walk in closet to pick through her wardrobe. She decided on a pressed, crisp light blue button down, a black pinstriped vest, and a fitted pair of black trousers. With a satisfied nod of her head and a twirl of her finger the outfit changed to fit her new figure. She spared a mournful stare at her vast collection of high heeled shoes before conjuring a pair of expensive Italian loafers onto her feet.

Swallowing down the nauseating lump in her throat, Regina forced herself to look into the standing mirror in her closet and take in her cursed appearance. She was surprised by the familiarity she found in the strangeness of her reflection. She was possibly the same height, if not a little shorter, than Charming. With a slimmer, though still quite athletic, build. Her regal posture remained the same and her eyes were practically unchanged beneath her now thick brows. Dark brown, soulful, and far more expressive than she ever intended. Her features were stronger. Squared, angular, and imposing. Her lips seemed to retain their fullness though she frowned at the coarse hairs scattered above her top lip, across her cheeks, and at her chin. With a mind of its own, her hand moved to rub at her cheek and chin, immediately shocked by the feel of her own stubble. Her nose scrunched in an expression of disgust far too girly for the face she was currently wearing. The stubble was magicked away instantly.

Regina let out a long breath and counted to ten. She would have to face her son's other mother sooner or later and the sooner that woman was out of her house the better. Her hand ran errantly through her thick, dark hair and she flinched at the shortness of it. She supposed the classic look of it was acceptable. Although, it did scream pretty boy with its perfect swoop and coif. She ran her hand through it once more, brow arching when it simply maintained its style. She was immensely pleased to find her favorite expression hadn't lost its effect.

The sound of loud, obnoxious laughter filled her ears and the frown was back. It was time to face the bane of her existence. Her footsteps were light but strong and purposeful as she descended the stairs. It was strange not to hear the ominous echo of her heels or feel the sensual sway of her hips. She loved her hips damn it. She loved her boobs and her curves and her everything. Now, she felt almost militant. Strange in her stiff walk, the walk greatly effected by the extra appendage between her legs.

"Kid," She watched Emma fix their son with an amused stare, another obnoxious chuckle leaving her. "Your mom is _not_ a man. Trust me," Her brows rose, a smirk taking her lips and an almost faraway look glossing over her green eyes. "She's all woman. I mean," She seemed to shock herself out of whatever daze she'd been in. A barely noticeable hint of a blush at her cheeks. "Regina is-"

"Mom!" Henry turned his gaze to the handsome dark haired man standing at the foot of the stairs. "Emma won't listen to me."

"What..." Emma turned to face Regina. Expecting to see one ticked off woman. Seriously, if Henry tried to convince people Emma was a dude she would totally be upset. Her expectations were not met. Instead she found a very attractive, highly amused man staring back at her. A single dark brow arched and full lips set into a smirk. "The fuck?"

"_Language_, Miss Swan." Regina scolded, her deep voice only adding to the sternness of her tone. "It's bad enough our son-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Emma shook her head vigorously. Brows furrowing and eyes flashing with confusion, surprise, and mirth. "That statement just got a whole lot more complicated and weird than it already was."

Regina fought to remain cool and collected in the presence of this infuriating woman. Despite her valiant attempts, her smirk faltered and slipped into a frown. She crossed her arms over her chest, dark gaze burning cold fury. "This is not the time to be joking. I have been cursed to look like a man and-"

"So it's just a magic glamour or something? You're not actually, like, a full on guy?" Emma's curious stare slid down to Regina's crotch, assessing the bulge accentuated by the fitted slacks. Regina as a dude could seriously give Graham a run for his money with how nicely those pants fit.

Regina caught the way Emma seemed to be eyeing her package and had the urge to cover herself. The beginnings of a blush crept up along the back of her neck but she held it at bay. Instead gaining the blonde's attention with a growl of her name. "This is not a simple glamour spell. I have been _cursed_ to appear as a man in every aspect."

Regina spat the words out as though they were poison. Her dark demeanor did absolutely nothing to assuage Emma's amusement.

"Holy sh..." Green eyes shifted between Regina and Henry. "...itake mushrooms! Are you saying you have a, uh, that your... the, um," A single blonde brow arched, the half curious half mirthful grin about her mouth only adding to Regina's irritation. "_Plumbing_ is different?"

"Emma, are you trying to ask my mom if she has a penis?" Henry settled his birth mother with a stern stare and a quirk of is brow.

The woman in question flushed as red as a tomato. She was somewhere between wanting to laugh and being completely mortified.

Regina smirked evilly. Delighting in how swiftly the tables had turned. It served Emma right for acting so smugly about her predicament.

"Do you have a penis, Mom?"

The smirk instantly fell and it was her turn to gape dumbly at their son.

"Because if you _do_ have a penis then that technically makes you a guy and if you're a guy its sort of weird for me to keep calling you Mom so that means I should call you Dad."

"Henry." The name left Emma in something between a squeak, a whisper, and an exasperated groan. "Please stop saying penis."

Regina rolled her eyes and subtly (not really) ushered the conversation toward a different topic. "I am going to pay a visit to Mr. Gold. The caster of this curse would have most likely obtained the ingredients or even the potion itself from that imp."

"Regina," The blonde had the mad urge to giggle. It was so strange addressing her by name when she looked like a guy. However, the time for amusement was over. They needed to know what kind of curse they were dealing with. It was time to get serious. "Even if I thought visiting Gold would be a good idea, which I don't by the way, you can't really walk around town like this without people noticing."

"You assume I care."

"Okay, just, think about it this way." Emma gestured unabashedly at Regina's crotch. Doing nothing to hide her amused grin while Regina glowered at the action. "You can't even answer our questions about your plumbing. Imagine all the questions everyone else in town will have."

Regina's jaw tensed at the statement, her nostrils flaring and making her look intimidating in a way she never had before. Of course she'd always been intimidating; she _was_ the Evil Queen. She was capable of tearing your heart right out of your chest and had a merciless army at her disposal. There was just something a little more physically imposing about her in her new form. "What do you propose, Miss Swan?"

Emma shrugged. "I got nothin'. Just thought you wouldn't appreciate the hassle."

"Well," Henry turned his bright hazel eyes upon his mothers, a mischievous gleam dancing in them. "We could tell everyone that you're my Dad."

"Kid," Emma had the decency to look just a little bit sheepish when Regina shot her a '_he gets this from you_' glare. "Everyone already thinks..." Regina eyed the blonde suspiciously, noticing the way her stare shifted nervously about the room. Why, she _did_ believe she just caught Miss Swan lying to their son. "I mean, _knows_ your dad was a firefighter that died rescuing-"

"Ma," The title was enough to shock Emma to a stop. "We can just tell everyone you, like, made it up because you were heartbroken or wanted to protect me from the truth or something."

Emma paled at his words, completely stricken by his reasoning. Especially because it was all _true_.

Regina could read Emma like an open book. Regardless of how the blonde tried so hard to appear as this confident, impenetrable fortress of a woman she was shit at containing her emotions. She could see every single thing Emma was feeling slipping across her features. Hurt, doubt, shock, and guilt. All of it. And Regina _knew_ there was a story behind Henry's birth father that involved a considerable amount of pain. So she took pity on Emma, took the reigns of the conversation and steered Henry's attention away from the blonde. "Henry, that is not an option. The town would never _believe_-"

"Actually," Emma watched their son's excited features fall at Regina's let down. She felt so guilty over the lying about his father being dead thing that she wanted to make it up to him. If pretending his suddenly male adoptive mother was the father he never had would make her boy happy then damn it, they were going to do it. "I think they'd all eat it right up. Small town gossip and all that." Her insides churned nervously when Regina sent her a scathing glare. She was so going to get her ass handed to her later. "And its not like we have any other options."

Henry gave a little victory whoop, fixing his mom and _Dad_ with a delighted grin. "Operation-"

"No." Regina said evenly, resolutely. "If I am to endure people believing I would ever stoop so low as to engage in-"

Emma slapped at Regina's bicep. "Just let the kid-"

"Did you just slap me?" Regina's hands went to her hips, making her look as though she were channeling sassy gay man.

Emma frowned. Maybe it wouldn't be so believable.


	2. The Best Part of Believe Is The 'Lie'

Some Kind Of Maddness

Chapter Two: The Best Part Of Believe Is The 'Lie'

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. **Trippy ass shit.**

A/N: Errmehgeshh! What a response. Thanks for all the feedback, guys. To MayhemPrincess: I don't actually have an actor in mind so feel free to imagine any one you like. This chapter is kind of idk. This fic was never meant to be all that serious. The Swan Queen is going to take a hot minute but for now we enjoy them playfully antagonizing one another.

* * *

"_That_," Ruby's gaze never left the handsome dark haired man sitting across the diner. "Is Henry's _father_?"

Ruby really didn't see a point in hiding the fact that her eyes were doing very naughty things to the fine ass hunk of man. Emma's eyes narrowed, face scrunched in something like jealousy. The blonde hadn't been prepared for the way people were reacting to Regina's cursed form. Hadn't been prepared for the way they were blatantly checking _him_ out. She especially hadn't been prepared for the confusing way it made her feel. And when Emma Swan was confused about how she felt, she usually wanted to punch something. Mostly, at that particular moment, she wanted to punch someone and that someone? That someone was the shamelessly salivating waitress in front of her.

As if sensing the emotions radiating off of Emma in hostile waves, Ruby snapped her gaze away. Fixing Emma with a sheepish grin. "Sorry, Em. He's, like, really hot. _Really_ hot. I mean, damn, _that _is Henry's father?"

Emma nodded tersely, forcing a smile. "Yep. That's... yeah."

"How did he find you? Or did you find him? How is he in Storybrooke at all?" Ruby leaned in closer, whispering almost conspiratorially. "Snow said you told Henry his father was dead."

"I _did_." She prepared herself to prattle off answers to the questions she'd been mentally preparing herself for. The subject of Henry's father was still a sore one for Emma. She was young and so very in love with a man she believed loved her back just as deeply. When he betrayed her, set her up to take the fall for his petty crime, she realized how stupid she'd been. Realized how much of a lie her perfect romance actually was. The thought of it left her bitter. Caused both heartache and anger to flicker in her green eyes. To coat her words with venom. "We didn't exactly end on good terms."

Ruby was taken aback by the tone of the other woman's voice. By the emotions lacing her words and swimming in her hard stare. Everything about Emma's reaction to her line of questioning had her coming to a single conclusion. "Is that why he's here? Is he trying to win you back?"

Emma blinked numbly in shock. She couldn't think past the big flashing WHAT crashing through her brain.

"I'm right." Ruby looked far too pleased with herself for Emma's tastes. "That's why he's here. He still has feelings for you." The expression across the blonde's flushed features had Ruby's pleased grin turning down right wolfish. "And _you_ still have feelings for _him_."

"I don't have feelings for..." Emma tossed a confused glance over her shoulder at Regina. Her features softening when she found Regina smiling the same adoring smile she always reserved for their son. Even with the woman cursed to look like a man, the smile still had a pang of something bubbling beneath Emma's chest. Some strange affection for her son's adoptive mother that she'd never been able to put a name to. It didn't mean she had feelings, _romantic feelings_, for Regina. She was merely grateful, right? Yeah. That was it. She was grateful to Regina for having raised Henry the way Emma was unable to. She was grateful her son grew up in a nice home with a loving mother who gave him everything he ever wanted or needed.

Ruby took notice of the blonde's love struck stare. She watched avidly as Emma gazed at the father of her son like a smitten teenager. As far as she was concerned, Emma could deny it all she liked, Ruby knew what someone in love looked like. She knew what they acted like and she especially new what denying that kind of love looked like. Her best friend was Snow White for heaven sakes. "Emma, that man is gorgeous and it seems like he and Henry are bonding pretty well. Pair that with how you're obviously still in love with the guy and-"

"Ruby." She snapped her attention back to the brunette. "I'm not in love with him and he isn't here to win me back so can we please just drop it?"

Granny harrumphed from a few feet away, turning her attention away from the cash register to settle Emma with a look. A look that simply said '_who do you think you're fooling_'. "I haven't seen two people making eyes at each other the way you and your honey are since I saw your parents this morning."

"We haven't been," Emma tossed a glance over her shoulder at Regina who stared right back at her. A terse, obviously fake (to Emma anyway) smile spread across her lips. She ignored how that smile seemed to enhance her handsome features. Ignored it and forced herself to turn back to Granny and Ruby. Only mildly annoyed when she found Ruby leaning with her elbows propped on the counter, chin cradled by her hands, and a faraway dreamy expression on her face. "_Making eyes_ at each other. If anyone is making eyes its Ruby here."

Ruby blinked herself out of her daze, a grin taking her lips. "Hey, if you insist he isn't off limits..."

"Re... _He_..." Emma cursed herself for her almost slip. The last thing she needed was Ruby flirting with an unsuspecting Regina and causing her to blow up Granny's Diner. All she could do to remedy this totally fucked up situation was play along. If Ruby thought Regina wanted all up on Emma... Well, that wouldn't be so bad right? Wait, what was she getting at? Oh, right. She needed to sell the whole Regina being Henry's father thing. "He _is_ off limits."

Before Ruby could respond, with some teasing comment no doubt, Emma felt a presence behind her. Felt a firm hand pressing into her lower back and a solid figure suddenly standing next to her. Much closer than Emma was comfortable with.

"Is everything alright," Regina hadn't trusted Emma not to blow their cover. So with the length in which Emma had been absent from their table, Regina naturally assumed the blonde's idiocy was inching them closer to discovery. She fought to keep her practiced smile across her face as she stared down at Emma. Fought to keep some semblance of affection in her tone as she uttered the blonde's name. "Emma?"

Emma could see the dangerous gleam in Regina's dark eyes. She could practically feel the annoyance radiating off of her. And even though the brunette attempted to conceal the vicious note to her smooth, deep voice Emma could hear every sharpened word. She knew Regina was only making sure she hadn't inadvertently spilled the beans. She knew Regina didn't trust her in the slightest to keep a secret, something the brunette thought Emma had inherited from her mother. It ticked her off. Angered her to no foreseeable end that Regina thought so little of her. But the situation called for Emma to keep her reaction in check. To hide the sneer tugging at her lips with a smile. Her blazing emerald eyes, however, conveyed to Regina how the blonde really felt.

Ruby and Granny seemed to be witnessing an entirely different exchange between Emma and the handsome dark haired man. If you asked either of them, the two looked like long lost lovers gazing longingly into one another's eyes. The world slipping away from them as they stared. Ruby almost sighed at the romanticism of it all. In reality Emma and Regina were glaring their usual daggers at one another. Regina communicating with her gaze that she wanted to leave the damnable establishment. She could feel people staring at her cursed appearance from the moment she stepped foot in the diner. It didn't slip any of the patrons' notice that she'd entered with Emma Swan _and_ Henry. All of the not so subtle staring and whispers were putting her on edge. Regina's gaze flickered briefly to Ruby and Granny, her stomach turning to lead when she found both women appreciating her manly assets a little _too_ thoroughly. So help her, if either of them even attempted to engage her she swore she would end this little charade by setting them aflame.

"Everything is _fine_, Re..." A brief flutter of panic overtook Emma. She couldn't very well call Regina by her name and they hadn't discussed it. She didn't want to address Regina by her ex's name because that would just further cross the border of weird they'd stepped over. They really should've planned this whole operation a lot better. "...ichard." She spared a glance at Ruby and Granny to determine if they caught her slip. She was met with Granny eyeing Regina's backside while Ruby zeroed in on a much naughtier area. Emma cleared her throat at the sight. Subconsciously moving closer to Regina's side, forcing the brunette's hand to slip from her lower back and circle around her waist. Essentially making them look like a total couple and causing Ruby to shoot a knowing grin in Emma's direction. "Well, _Richard_ and I should get back to Henry."

Regina resisted the immense urge to make a face at the name Emma had bestowed upon her. Instead upping her fake pleasant smile to a fake charming smile. Not at all oblivious to the way the waitress and her grandmother looked closed to swooning at the action. She made a metal note of it and stowed it away as possible ammunition to be used later. "Yes, Emma and I have much to discuss with... _our son_."

Emma paled at the words, unable to reign in her shudder. Yep. Their situation made it sound way weirder than it already was. "Henry is our son."

Regina, Granny, and Ruby gave the blonde strange looks. Regina assumed Emma was suffering from some sort of mental deficiency, a genetic one no doubt. She would have to get Henry checked. Ruby assumed it had to do with how snuggled up the two lovebirds before her were. Granny only wondered what in the world Emma was doing standing there and talking to them when she could take her delicious piece of man to her love den and work on making a few more Henrys.

"It was lovely to meet you, ladies." Regina flashed them another charming smile, laying it on a little thicker. Okay, maybe it was just a mite entertaining to watch people who detested her now swooning over her. When she was sure she'd reduced them to jelly she steered Emma back to their booth.

Half way to their destination, Regina leaned closer to Emma. Close enough to hiss viciously in the blonde's ear. "_Richard_? Really, Miss Swan?"

Emma turned to look Regina in the eyes, her soft smile not matching her jeering tone. "You seem like a _Dick_ to me."

"Honestly, my dear." Regina growled back, mirroring Emma's soft smile. "Your obsession with male genitalia is very disconcerting."

Emma couldn't hold back her flush of both embarrassment and irritation. "Remind me again why we're doing this. How did I end up agreeing to help _you_ in the first place?"

"Ma!" Henry beamed up at her before turning to Regina with an equal amount of enthusiasm. "Dad! Guess what."

They both stared resolutely at one another. They were putting themselves through the torture of the charade for Henry. For their son. They simultaneously reasoned that it was worth it. They would only have to continue on for a little while until Regina could find a way to reverse the curse. None of the residents of Storybrooke would ever have to find out about the little mishap. Well, everyone except the person who cursed her. Regina was going to let that unfortunate soul know exactly how she felt about their little prank.

* * *

After lunch at Granny's they found themselves standing in front of the door to Mary Margaret's apartment. Emma with a darkening scowl on her face and Regina with a devious grin. Henry only spared them both happy smiles before proceeding to knock.

"Last chance to poof yourself back to the car, Regina." Emma hissed at the all too delighted looking brunette.

"And miss meeting your parents, Emma?" She feigned shock, the wicked gleam in her eyes giving away her cruel intentions. "I would never miss such an important step in our relationship."

"Listen," Emma glared, nostrils flaring. "I know you're upset about what happened at Granny's but we can't take Henry with us to see Gold and my parents-"

"Emma!" Charming opened the door with a wide, charming (Regina preferred idiotic) smile encompassing half his face. "Henry, my boy!" He scooped his grandson into a hug. When his gaze settled upon the unfamiliar man standing next to his blushing daughter he squinted his eyes. Trying to place the man. He looked familiar yet not all at once. "I see you've brought a... friend?"

Regina fixed Emma with a bright smile, the dark gleam in her eyes betraying her seemingly pleasant demeanor. She turned her attention back to the stupidly squinting Prince Charming and offered her hand to shake. "Richard Johnson. "

Emma subdued her ginormous urge to scream at the brunette. She caught the oh so _subtle_ jab and settled for a sneaky (not so sneaky) glare. As Charming took a hold of the other man's hand he shifted his gaze to Emma, questioning brow lifted. Emma answered the unspoken _'does he know?' _twinkling in her father's blue eyes with a reassuring nod.

"Nice to meet you, Richard. I don't think I've seen you around Storybrooke before."

"He isn't from Storybrooke!" All three adults were surprised by the volume of Henry's voice. Emma and David were even more startled by Henry's equally loud proclamation. "He's my _dad_!"

Regina only grinned. Patting her son on the shoulder for a job well done.

"Y-You're Henry's..." David sized the man up. Taking in his admittedly attractive features, strong physique, and almost commanding presence. The man reminded him of someone, someone he couldn't quite put his finger on. He also seemed to be nothing like anyone Charming thought his baby girl would be interested in. The guy's posture, his clothing, his dazzlingly white smile screamed wealth. The man before him did not seem like a firefighter with a heart of gold that... hold up. "I thought you were dead?"

"Quite the contrary." Regina put on a wounded yet understanding frown. "It seems my and Emma's parting hurt her far deeper than I imagined. It was only recently that I discovered our son's existence and truthfully," She knew exactly what to say to win this imbecile over. So she flicked a hopelessly hopeful stare at Emma, putting as much puke worthy '_I'm so in love with you_' vibes into her actions and tone as possible. "I never stopped loving or searching for Emma."

Charming's reaction was laughable. To Regina anyway. Emma looked about ready to throttle the brunette. The blond haired man looked near tears and was sporting the sappiest smile in ever. Regina briefly wondered if this dolt of a man was where Snow learned that damnable expression. His voice was rough with emotion as he settled Regina with an approving gaze. "True Love is a powerful thing, Rich."

Emma blanched at the ease in which Charming gave Richard fucking Johnson, a totally fake made up person that was really the Evil fucking Queen, a nickname. "Who said anything about True Love!"

Both Charming and _Richard_ gaped at the woman, shocked and wounded. While Charming's reaction was genuine, Regina was so milking the situation. "He _found_ you, Emma!"

"It's alright, David." Regina patted the blond man on the shoulder. A somber expression slipping across her face. Brown eyes soft and wounded and so very _heartbroken_. "I understand Emma's reaction to the notion. Though I will always love her and I completely respect her feelings on the matter, I will not give up hope that one day I will be lucky enough to have this amazing woman love me in return."

To Emma's immense befuddlement her father shot a petulant frown in her direction. A frown that simply said '_how could you_' before he was nodding understandingly at _Richard_. Before he was giving the dark haired man a comforting smile and leading him into the apartment. Clapping him on the back and initiating brief side hug like they were suddenly bros. "You're a good man, Rich."

She scowled when she caught the tail end of Charming's reassuring words to _Richard_. "Emma can be stubborn, she gets that from her mother, but she'll come around."

Encouraged by the holes she could feel Emma burning into the back of her head, Regina etched another lovelorn half smile across her face. "I appreciate your sentiments, David."

"Never let go of your hope." David whispered in a hushed tone that wasn't really hushed since the volume control button on the man's voice did not exist. "I'm sure I'll be calling you my son in law soon enough."

The heat of Emma's glare was reaching nuclear levels. Regina was sure the blonde would explode any minute now and give everything away. She wanted the enraged blonde to blow their cover. She wanted Charming to realize who he was actually speaking to. She welcomed the chaos that would surely follow.

"Who was at the door, honey?" Snow stepped around the kitchen island with a bright smile and two cups of cocoa in her hands. When she looked up to find their unexpected guest her grip on the mugs slackened. Causing them to fall and shatter across the floor. Snow White stared, wide eyed and captivated, at the handsome dark haired man standing in her living room. She watched his pleasant smile shift into a grin and felt her knees go a bit weak. Immediately cursing the traitor reaction to this stranger. Her knees were only supposed to go weak for _Charming_ damn it. Her _husband_! Not some sexy stranger that she felt a more than physical attraction to. There was just something about the man that was so familiar and… comforting? Alluring? Infuriating? Something about the stranger sent a raging storm of emotions swirling inside of her. Not all of them necessarily pleasant.

Regina took in Snow's reaction. Noticed the confusion, intrigue, and lust swimming in her eyes. She wanted to chuckle, to laugh maniacally at the priceless opportunity she'd been presented with. Snow White was _attracted_ to her in her current form. Prince Charming was smitten with her. And Emma, she spotted the blonde from the corner of her eyes, Emma was down right furious. So Regina moved forward, reaching Snow and offering her hand in the same way she did Charming. "Richard Johnson."

Snow took the hand as if in a fog. Her cheeks tinted pink when _Richard_ brought her hand to his surprisingly soft lips. Pressed a gentle kiss to it and stared up at her through thick dark lashes. Was she imagining how sultry his stare appeared to be? She felt her heart flutter excitedly and her blood boil with fury. The contradicting sensations had Snow's head spinning. "I... nice to meet you?"

When Regina didn't let go of Snow's hand right away, and the flush across her mother's cheeks worsened, Emma marched on over to them. She forcefully pulled Regina away. Giving the brunette a hard glare before plastering a terse smile across her lips "_Richard_ and I have a lot to talk about and I was wondering if you could watch Henry for a while?"

"Of course." Charming grinned widely and all but shoved them toward the door. "You guys talk. Who knows? Maybe you'll rekindle things."

Emma didn't miss the wink her father threw at Regina. Oh god, she felt sick. Her father was all team Richard and her mother... Emma shuddered. She was glad they didn't know Richard was really Regina. An all out war would have broken out if Snow White knew the handsome man she'd been blushing over was her mortal enemy. If Charming knew he'd been rooting for his daughter and the formally (Emma was starting to question Regina's supposed reform) Evil Queen.

Once the front door to the apartment was unceremoniously shut behind their backs, Emma whirled on Regina. "What the _hell_ was that? Richard _Johnson_? Seriously?"

"I thought you would get a kick out of it, dear. Since you seem to be quite fixated on-"

Emma swatted at Regina's arm. Green eyes blazing.

"Ow!" Dark brows furrowed and she rubbed at her stinging bicep. A half deadly scowl, half adorable pout on her face. "What is your obsession with hitting me, you brute?"

"If you weren't such a little prick I-"

Regina flicked Emma's forehead, her frown turning upside down.

"Did you really just _flick_ me?" The blonde was somewhere between a glare and complete bewilderment. When the expression shifted into a vicious grin, Regina knew she wasn't going to like Emma's next few words. "Don't you know its wrong to hit girls."

The look of rage and extreme indignation upon Regina's face was more than enough to make up for the horror of watching the brunette mess with her parents.


	3. We Play Pretend

Some Kind Of Madness

Chapter Three: We Play Pretend

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. **Trippy ass shit.**

A/N: The time line is all wickety wack, I know. There is no Neal or August or Hook or Cora. Maybe one or two of them will pop by later. But Belle is present and Lacey had her fun for a bit. So I guess things get a little AU-ish. And boo, plot ahoy. It could've gone two ways: kinda sorta serious or seriously serious but I'm pretty sure I've established my terminal laziness. So, you know, don't expect three dimensional characters and a rivetingly engaging storyline kinda depthiness. Unless you guys wanna meet my inner emo. Then depthiness can be arranged. I also went and got myself an awesome beta. Thank you **zombeezy**, my lovely beta boo, for your awesomeness.

To Lee Bonham: If you wanna imagine Brandon Routh, bb, you imagine Brandon Routh.

To zombeezy: You know where I stand on the whole Damon vs. Stefan issue, chica.

To the lovely readers the last chapter might have killed: If you're going to use your after life to haunt me just promise not to creep on me in the shower.

To the reviewers asking if I had a celebrity in mind for male Regina: Going into this story, not really. It's all my imagination. But since so many of you asked... I searched the interwebs and I suppose the closest I found was David Gandy. A slimmer, clean shaven, brown eyed David Gandy. Still not really spot on but eh. Please feel free to imagine whomever you like.

* * *

Of all the strange things either of them ever expected to see, Emma and Regina sure as hell didn't expect what was in front of them. When they arrived at Gold's shop to find the closed sign up and the door locked they naturally sought another entrance. Regina insisted on blowing up the door and entering in the most dramatic badass way possible. Emma took great pleasure in reminding the brunette of her limitations while in her masculine form. They couldn't have the residents of Storybrooke seeing _Richard_ use magic and discovering who he really was. Plus, she'd added quite smugly, a badass overly dramatic entrance was a total diva move. One that Regina wouldn't be able to pull off in her current state. The fuming brunette had then proceeded to glower at Emma. Not only glower but also take on an extremely feminine stance. Lips pursed, eyes narrowed, one hand on her cocked hip and the other lifted. Her finger poking aggressively at Emma's shoulder, all the while proclaiming that she was a _Queen_ not a _diva_. Emma had laughed quite obnoxiously, doubled over and near tears. Until she managed to reel herself in enough to suggest they check if the back door was open. Which is how they found themselves gaping at the sight before them. Their faces set somewhere between shocked and nauseous.

"And here I thought you abhorred pirates, Rumple." The amusement lacing her words wasn't able to hide the distaste etched across her handsome features.

The sound of the deep, masculine voice had Rumple tearing himself away from the man he'd been kissing. He turned to face their unexpected visitors. Confusion furrowing at his brows before an impish grin slowly spread across his features. "Ah, Regina. You're looking quite dashing these days."

"Considering your newfound fondness for dashing men," Her brown eyes flickered toward the man her former mentor was smooching. Briefly admiring the slight wave of his soft brown hair, the gentleness of his dashing features, and the kindness about his clear blue eyes. "I suppose I should be flattered by such a compliment."

"Okay," The Savior cut in between the two long standing frenemies before their banter got out of control. She'd witnessed it many times before. They would throw barbs at one another until barbs became fireballs and things caught on fire. Usually Emma's things. Specifically Emma's leather jackets. Come to think of it… she was pretty sure Regina did that on purpose. But would the brunette really set fire to the kick ass leather jacket Henry had gifted her on her birthday? Emma glanced at the fuming queen. Better not chance it. "What the fuck did we just walk in on? And," She arched a brow at Gold. Her green eyes gesturing, without the barest hint of tact, at the blushing and wide eyed brown haired man they caught him macking on. "I thought Belle was supposed to be your True Love. Is this because of the whole Ruby thing? Are you two each others beards or something?"

"What," Rumplestiltskin tensed. His face became devoid of all emotion. Mouth set in an even line and eyes completely unreadable. "_Thing_ with Ruby?"

The unnamed brown haired man looked panicked to the point of spontaneously combusting. He leapt to the older man's side. His blue eyes were wide and pleading and frightened. Though his voice was soft and gentle despite his brawny build. "There is no thing with Ruby. I swear it to you, Rumple."

Emma only stared at the stranger in confusion. "Am I the only one who remembers how _friendly_ Lacey was?"

The stranger's tone turned apologetic. "You know I wasn't _me_ when I thought I was Lacey."

Regina's cruel laughter hindered whatever response they might've had to Belle's declaration. Though it still held its throaty, seductive quality, it was much darker. The smirk that spread across her lips bordered on sinister. "It seems I am not the sole target of this curse."

"It would seem so." The affirmation was given in a near hiss. Rumple's beady, menacing gaze shifting away from Belle to bore into Regina.

"I assume this happened after Miss Swan's birthday celebration." Regina canted her head. Side eyeing her dumbfounded blonde companion.

"It happened the morning after." Belle stepped forward, nodding resolutely. "I just woke up like," She gestured distraughtly to her brawny form. "_This_. We've tried everything we could possibly think of to reverse it. We even tried True Love's kiss but..." She glanced forlornly in Rumplestiltskin's direction and looked near tears when the older man didn't meet her searching blue eyes. "It doesn't seem to work."

Regina's Cheshire cat grin was not a good omen. "Poor dear. Did Rumple forget to mention that he may be _your_ True Love but you are not _his_? Which, if I might add, means he would be unable to break any curse placed upon you."

The pure shock rippling across Belle's face gave away that she, in fact, was not privy to that information. She whirled around to face her True Love. "Tell me she's _lying_."

Rumplestiltskin merely remained stone face, silently seething beneath his nonchalant demeanor.

"Oh, dear." Regina was practically gloating. "I don't believe he can."

"I assume," His voice mirrored the dangerous look in his eyes. "You've come here in search of answers. Answers I _could_ grant you, for a price." His eyes flashed gold, a wicked grin twisting at his mouth. "I'm sure you understand the kind of price I am inclined to request." His eyes dulled back down to flat brown, his grin never fading. "Considering."

Emma caught Regina's gaze, glaring pointedly at the brunette as if to say _'look what you did now'_.

Regina only returned the look with a glare of her own. She spared a terse, contrite little smile at Rumplestiltskin. She wouldn't be playing the imp's games. Not today. "I'm sure _you_ understand that whoever did this, intended to incapacitate the both of us." Her stare shifted pointedly to Belle. "It would do you well to provide whatever information you have free of charge."

His unnerving little grin never faltered. "I think I'll take my chances, dearie."

* * *

"Tell me," The voice was eerily calm, frighteningly so. "How you managed to screw up the simple task of giving her the potion."

He cowered beneath that furious stare and wrung his hands nervously. Unable to hold eye contact. "I swear I gave her the potion just like you said."

"Then, please," The fury in that voice was barely concealed. The calmness it hid beneath starting to give way, to tear at the seams. "Explain to me why she is still alive. _Explain_," A vicious growl. "Why the _Evil Queen_ has been turned into a man."

"I did give her the potion, I _did_. Its just that," He knew he fucked up big time and that his companion would not be the slightest bit pleased. He took a cautious step back, out of swiping range, out of immediate reach. "I might not have given her the _right_ potion."

The murderous glower he received in return was enough to keep him from mentioning that he'd also fed the supposed death potion to Rumplestiltskin. _That_ would be a problem for another day. Today, he only prayed his punishment would not be too severe. He would very much not like to be thrown into an alternate hellish dimension again.

* * *

"You just _had_ to piss him off, huh?"

Regina side eyed the blonde. The visit to Rumplestiltskin ended just as Regina had expected. After discovering Belle was under the same curse, and subsequently spilling the beans to the girl, she knew her former mentor wouldn't let them in on what he knew. Not without the information coming at a remarkably high price. Although, she wasn't upset in the slightest over losing the chance at whatever information he _might_ have had. Regina did, however, revel in the feeling of getting a little revenge on the imp. "How could I not, dear?"

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe show a little restraint for once. He could've told us who was behind this so we could kick their prankster asses and get rid of this curse thing."

"Miss Swan." Regina stopped to settle the blonde with the full weight of her glare. The action halted their trek toward Mary Margaret's apartment, both women standing at the top of the stairs. "This is not the silly prank Henry perceives it to be. This is not a simple glamour. My entire being has been altered. The magic used to create a spell of this caliber would require not only great power but a vast knowledge of dark magic as well. Knowing this," Regina couldn't hold Emma stare as she spoke her next few words. "I'm inclined to believe this was not the true intent behind this curse."

"What are you saying?"

"It so happens the only other _evil_ being in Storybrooke was also a target. Does it truly seem as though any of the inhabitants in this town would chance the wrath of the Dark One or the Evil Queen for a simple gender altering spell? For a juvenile prank?"

"I don't-"

"The answer is _no_, Miss Swan. The only potion anyone would risk feeding either of us would carry death." It was said so resolutely, so _surely_ that Regina even surprised herself by the heaviness of the statement. It really shouldn't have come as such a surprise. Regina had spent most of her life with people plotting her demise. With people loathing her, hating her, and wishing the worst of fates upon her. She couldn't fault them for trying; she did destroy their happy endings for twenty eight years. There was also the maiming, killing, torturing, enslaving, and cursing. But, hey, twenty eight years of modern technology and Twinkies should at least make up for _some_ of it. And Ho Hos.

"Regina," Emma broke Regina away from her musings. Her emerald eyes flickering with a vibrant ferocity that never failed to captivate the other woman. "You're not evil. You haven't been the Evil Queen for a while now." Despite the steadiness of her voice and the determination in her gaze, Emma could feel her heart hammering beneath her chest. Their relationship might have improved from constantly being at one another's throats to (mostly) harmless antagonistic banter, but they weren't exactly _friends_. At best they were reluctant acquaintances that so happened to share a son. So her next few words and the openness behind them scared the shit out of Emma. "You're trying to be a better person for our son and everyone in this town can see it. Even if they don't always acknowledge it."

The reassurance, the comfort, the undeniable _care_ behind Emma's words roused something inside of Regina. She simply stared down at the blonde, her brows crinkling in confusion and her dark eyes melting into an awed swirl of chocolate and caramel. This damnable, infuriating, _charming_ woman never ceased to amaze her. Emma Swan was a conundrum to Regina. She should loathe her, despise her, _hate_ her. And some days, most days, Regina did. She hated everything Emma represented. Her mere existence was a painful reminder of all Regina had lost and all she struggled not to lose. Yet there were moments, moments like this where she couldn't find it in herself to hate Emma. Where she couldn't latch on to the chaotic ball of hate and rage she usually did because it wasn't there to grab on to. In these moments, with her heart echoing in her ears in a way it shouldn't be capable, Regina wanted nothing more than to be whatever Emma thought she could be. She wanted to believe in herself with the same amount of conviction. It was a confusing feeling, a terrifying feeling. A mutual feeling that had them both gravitating closer. Drawn in by some unseen force.

"_Ahem_."

The interruption had them snapping back to their senses. The strange pull between them dissipating almost instantly and leaving them both feeling more than a little confused.

"Hey, Emma." He smiled almost tentatively at the blonde, his pale blue eyes shining beneath the glare of his glasses. "I haven't seen you around lately."

"Hi, Harold." Emma bit down the urge to tell him the reason he hadn't seen her was because she'd been going completely out of her way to avoid him. She even went as far as to duck inside a dumpster once to avoid the guy. Ruby was still teasing her about it. Harold Lichman was one of Mary Margaret's neighbors and had taken an almost instant liking to Emma the moment she moved in. It was cute at first, the little crush he seemed to have on her. And he wasn't that bad looking a guy. He was actually sort of attractive. If you were into the whole smart, nice guy look. He was a science teacher at the local high school and totally looked the part. Right down to his side parted blonde hair, thick rimmed glasses, sweater vest, and blazer. Emma wasn't shallow by any means (okay, maybe she was a little shallow). She was just more into the whole scruffy bad boy with a tortured soul look.

She forced a tight smile across her lips. Her features straining to remain somewhere near pleasant. "I've been, uh, pretty busy with sheriff stuff and you know savior stuff and everything. Say," Her gaze shifted to Regina who looked more than a little amused by the situation. "Have you met Richard?"

"Can't say I have." The man's pale blue eyes shifted briefly in Richard's direction. Hardly acknowledging the dark haired man. Harold only seemed to have eyes for Emma. "I was wondering if you might be free this weekend."

"Oh, well..." Her gaze shifted once more to Regina. The other woman wasn't even trying to hide her amused grin. "Actually," A hint of mischief pulled at her strained smile. She grabbed a hold of an unsuspecting Regina's hand, lacing their fingers and tugging the brunette closer. "Richard and I have plans."

"I see." Harold eyed their clasped hands and pulled his gaze away from Emma to stare disdainfully at Richard. He sized the other man up, his tentative smile fading slightly before he refocused his attention back to Emma. "It was nice seeing you, Emma. Hopefully we'll bump into each other again soon."

Emma only laughed the comment off as Harold stepped around them. He spared another disdainful stare at Richard before making his way down the stairs and out of the apartment building.

Regina watched, with narrowed eyes, as the man walked away. She'd caught the way he was staring at her with little less than a glare. And, she returned her attention to the hand still clasped tightly around hers, Emma Swan was going to pay for her audacity. The weight of the hold stirred a strange variety of emotions within her. The warmth of Emma's hand in hers felt both excruciating and wonderful all at once. The swarm of sensation was so powerful she couldn't decide what she wanted more: to rip her hand away or keep holding on.

Emma sighed out a breath of relief. "I swear that guy can't ever take a hint. That was like the hundredth time he tried to ask me out since I moved in with Mar-"

"_Miss Swan_." It was barely a hiss. Filled with a twist of emotions neither of them could quite decipher. "Unhand me."

Emma rolled her eyes when she noticed Regina's dark gaze fixed solely on their joint hands. Glaring as though she might set both of their hands on fire. The last thing the blonde wanted to deal with after thwarting one of Harold's numerous attempts at asking her out was Regina's pissy attitude. She thought they had a good talk before they were interrupted. It had felt like, for those few moments, they were both on common ground. She didn't understand why Regina had to be so... _Regina_ about everything. Her rising irritation with the brunette had an annoyed gleam shining in her green eyes, vicious and devious all at once.

"What's wrong, _Richard_?" She settled the brunette with a smile she knew would only further rile the other woman. Made sure to amp up the fake adoration in her tone. "I thought you were so in love with me and could only hope such a, what was it you called me? Oh, yeah, _amazing _woman would one day return your feelings." She gave the now scowling Regina an exaggerated pout. "Now you don't even want to hold my hand?"

Regina only seethed down at the blonde. Her brown eyes blazing and lips pulled back in a snarl. She tugged at the hand still clasped in Emma's, her glare worsening when the other woman merely tightened her grasp. "Let. Go."

"You don't mean that, _Richard_." The fury written all over Regina's features sent a pang of excitement rushing through Emma. Prompting her to keep up the pretense, to further exaggerate. Further infuriate. "I'm sorry I _rejected_ you." Upon seeing the rebuttal forming at Regina's mouth, Emma raised her voice and continued on in an obnoxiously shrill tone. "I was just so scared and hurt. But I do still love you _so_ much. You are totally my _True Love_, Richard Johnson!"

The brunette's eye was twitching violently by the end of the proclamation. It would be so very easy to use her magic. To conjure a fireball in the imprisoned hand that Emma refused to let go of. That would surely teach the maddening woman a lesson. Yes, it would be quite easy indeed. However, it wouldn't be nearly as gratifying as beating the _Savior_ at her own idiotic game. So Regina forced a terse smile across her lips. The half manic, half wicked glint in her dark eyes was Emma's only warning. Then Regina pulled at their intertwined hands, pulled until Emma was pressed tightly against her. Until her arm was circling possessively around the blonde's waist. "I'm so very glad that you return my feelings. You have just made me the happiest _man_ alive, _darling_. Perhaps your _charming_ father will soon have that son in law he mentioned."

Emma didn't miss the absolute patronizing sarcasm dripping from each and every word. The response, the challenge, only further spurred her on. "Was that a marriage proposal, _babe_?"

"You're getting married?" The excited boom carried clear across the space between where they stood and the entrance of Mary Margaret's apartment door. Before either of them knew it, Charming was scooping them both up into a hug with bright grin consuming the majority of his face. "I knew you would rekindle things!"

"Oh, Emma." Snow wandered over to the trio. Oblivious to the bluish tint Emma and Richard's faces had taken on. "I'm so…" Suddenly her bright smile faltered. Her gaze shifted from her daughter to her daughter's fiancé. She didn't quite know how she felt about their engagement. On one hand, she was happy for her baby girl. On the other, there was something about Richard that had her feeling conflicted. Snow had to push past the cloud of suspicion and jealousy that had settled over her in order to force the words from her mouth. "Happy for you."

At the sound of his wife's voice, Charming released them from his hold. Completely ignorant of the way they were practically gasping for breath. He slung an arm around Snow and nodded emphatically. "I couldn't have picked a better match for our daughter."

"Oh my god, Em." Neither of them had noticed Ruby's presence until the brunette spoke. "I'm so going to throw you the craziest bachelorette party ever!"

"What? Ruby?" Everything was just happening so fast. Emma couldn't quite keep up with what in the actual fuck was going on. "I'm not… _we're_ not-"

"You're going to have a bachelorette party, Emma." Snow fixed the blonde with a stern look.

While Emma was being forced to listen to all the perks having a bachelorette party presented, Regina watched on. Positively entertained. The idiot party believed _Richard_ had proposed to Emma and, as an added bonus, they were _happy_ about it. Oh, Miss Swan would have a lot of explaining to do once the curse was broken. And Regina? Regina was simply going to sit back and watch. After all, it had been Emma's bright idea to give in to their son's whimsical operation. Therefore the blonde could suffer the unavoidable consequences all on her own.

"Mom?" It was a barely audible whisper.

Speaking of their son. She trained her attention on the boy to find him staring up at her with furrowed brows and wide eyes. Regina cursed the way her mind immediately conjured an image of Emma wearing the same exact expression. She banished the image away to the deep recesses of her mind and crouched down so that she was eye to eye with Henry. "What is it, darling?"

He spared a cautious glance at the other four adults. After confirming they were too distracted to notice the whispered conversation he'd initiated with his brunette mother, Henry settled Regina with a sneaky amused grin. A grin, Regina noted proudly, that he definitely inherited from her. "I get it now."

"Henry what are you-"

"Now I understand why you guys fight so much."

"Miss Swan and I might have… disagreements from time to time but I assure you-"

"Mom, it's just like when Snow White and Prince Charming met. At first they didn't like each other at all but then they fell in love." He rambled on excitedly, his hazel eyes shining. "Like you and Emma."

Regina gaped, mouth hanging open in utter shock, at her son. At a complete loss for words. She was a second away from correcting his misconceptions, from informing him that the engagement was a farce. A simple misconception on that bumbling fool Charming's part. Unfortunately for her, said bumbling fool decided that was the precise moment to interrupt her talk with Henry.

"Then it's decided!" Charming pulled _Richard_ into a standing position. Clapping the dark haired man on the back, much too hard for Regina's liking, and pulling his future son in law into a side hug.

"What," Regina held back the vicious hiss begging to be released from her throat. "Has been decided?"

"That I'll be throwing your bachelor party, of course!" Charming beamed at her. "It wouldn't be fair on us guys to let the girls have all the fun."

It was a constant struggle for Regina not to punch this man square in the jaw. "Of course."

"But no funny business, mister. It _is_ my daughter you're engaged to."

Both Regina and Emma paled at the words.


	4. Sweet Like Sugar Venom

Some Kind Of Madness

Chapter Four: Sweet Like Sugar Venom

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. **Trippy ass shit.**

A/N: I'm like whoa over the response to this fic. It was this random one scene written on a whim and then boom here it is with a bunch of follows and favorites and reviews. I think I might cry. It's so overwhelming! Nah, I won't cry. But I will gift you lovely people this new chapter.

To LauratheChef: Oooo, um... no? Yeah. No no no no no. Nevarhhh. :)

To leshipper: You cry them happy tears, hon. Just let it all out.

To the Guest reviewer who has confessed to stalking me: I will take your creepy hugs and kisses and devour them. This chapter is for you, bb. Your review forced me to get off my lazy ass and write this. If its bad everyone will blame you. =D

To the reviewers guesstimating/rooting for a curse breaking TLK at the wedding: Please redirect your gazes to the top left of this screen. Note my pic of sassy Ursula. Yes, sassy Ursula sums it all up.

To everyone else who read or reviewed: Kisses. Kisses for you all. Except those of you who don't like kisses, you get cookies. And if you don't like cookies then... well, then idk. No kisses or cookies for you.

P. S. I sincerely hope you beautiful readers know that I am joking. I am a joker. I mean no harm. Sarcasm, taunting, and overall weirdness are my close friends. And this shit is unbeta'd since I done just finished writing it right now. My beta boo will fix it later. Maybe. Idk. Enjoy!

* * *

"This whole thing just got a million times worse." Emma was close to pulling her hair out. "They think we're getting _married_."

Getting rid of her parents had been quite a feat after dropping _that_ particular bomb. Emma could barely remember the events that'd occurred immediately after the unintentional and totally misconstrued announcement. The past two days had been a complete haze of '_what in the actual fuck_' for Emma Swan. She vaguely recalled a conversation about wedding dresses and venues and... She almost did pull out her hair right then and there. Her brain was going to explode from the sheer magnitude of crazy that'd become her life.

"Oh? And whose obnoxiously loud mouth did they hear that from." Regina was seated primly atop her large armchair. Legs crossed and arms settled atop the arm rests. A glass of bourbon dangling from one hand. She looked as regal and queenly as ever despite her current male status.

Emma frowned, no, _pouted_ at the pure accusation lacing those words. It wasn't her fault they were stuck in this position. Emma hadn't told Regina to charm the freaking pants off of her parents. She didn't turn Regina into a very attractive man with impeccable taste in clothing. Though she did recommend the dark burgundy shirt the other woman was currently sporting and, damn, that shirt looked just as sexy as she pictured it would. Well, except for the fact that it wasn't accompanied by Regina's trademark red lipstick. She kind of missed the lipstick. And the cleavage. Okay, maybe she more than kind of missed them. But that was besides the point! "It's not my fault you're such a dick, Regina."

"Miss Swan," Regina pinched the bridge of her nose. She could feel the makings of a migraine coming on. "If I am forced to endure your euphemisms once again, I promise you will regret it."

"Okay." Emma rubbed irately at her eyes. She just needed to fix this whole fucked up situation. "Alright."

She began to pace in front of the fireplace. She needed to come up with a plan. Yeah. That was it. They just needed a way out of being engaged... **fake** engaged. They needed a totally believable plan that wouldn't raise anyone's suspicions.

"We just have to convince them we aren't actually getting married or," Her pacing grew frantic. Head swimming with a myriad of different ideas. "Or we could stage a break up or maybe you could go into hiding for a little while or you could fake your, I mean, um... _Richard's_ death!" Every single one of the suggestions sounded ridiculous even to her own ears. The anxiety that'd been coiling inside of her suddenly sprang forward. Frantic hand gestures joined her frantic pacing. "Or we could just go along with... with... Holy fucking shit, Regina! They think we're getting _married_!"

"Or we could reveal the truth." Regina's part annoyed, part amused gaze followed the blonde as she paced back and forth. She didn't bother to subdue the cruel grin tugging at her lips. She was quite enjoying the proclaimed Savior's little freak out. "I'm sure your father will positively _die_ once he discovers the man he is so proud to call son in law is actually the Evil Queen. And your dear mother," The cruel grin only worsened, only brightened with viciousness. "Snow White will be so very relieved to know the man she's been lusting after is not a man at all but in fact her mortal enemy."

Emma fixed the other woman with a harsh glare, her green eyes blazing. "You're _enjoying_ this, aren't you."

"Am I enjoying your self induced torment? Yes. Am I enjoying toying with your idiot parents' emotions? Yes. Am I enjoying being stuck in the body of a man?" She downed the last of her bourbon and frowned heavily. "Not in the slightest. Therefore I would appreciate if you would quit yammering about what your poor deluded parents believe and _focus_ on reversing this curse."

"But..." Emma pouted, whined, stomped her foot like a petulant child. Her next few words were muddled by the ridiculous jut of her lower lip.

Regina frowned, sighed heavily, and placed her emptied glass on the end table beside her. "Speak up, Miss Swan. I'm in no mood for your childish antics."

"Snow sent wedding invitations out to the whole town."

Regina chuckled loudly before standing and pouring herself another glass. She sauntered over to her desk and fixed Emma with a wicked smirk. Grabbing a gaudy white envelope with fancy gold lettering and waiving it tauntingly at the blonde. "Are you referring to these invitations, _darling_? They're quite lovely aren't they?"

"What the hell, Regina?"

"You don't like them?" Regina feigned hurt. Her brown eyes wide, puppy like, and reminding Emma way too much of their son. "I'm sorry, _sweetheart_. Your mother and I thought it would be a nice surprise."

Emma folded her arms over her chest, green eyes glaring daggers. Clearly, she was not pleased. "You do realize they're going to want to kill you if they find out."

"So touchy." Regina teased, eyes twinkling. "It was your mother's idea, you know." The brunette almost wanted to cackle at the recollection. Just yesterday Snow White had, very nervously, asked Richard to aid her in the task of choosing and delivering the wedding invitations. All on the premise that she wanted to get to know Richard Johnson better and she knew her daughter wouldn't be up to the task. It'd been an amusing, though grating, experience. "She wanted to get to know her daughter's fiancé better."

Emma's frown only deepened. She'd wondered where Snow and _Richard_ had gotten off to after Ruby practically dragged her away in order to get started on her bachelorette party preparations. Now she knew. The damned, pain in her ass, Regina Mills had been using the opportunity to further embarrass her. "You need to stop flirting with my... with Snow."

Regina smiled her practiced politician's smile. The obvious mirth swimming in her dark gaze did nothing to calm Emma's fury. Instead of offering a response to the command, the brunette swaggered right out of the room.

Leaving a gaping Emma to trail after her. Voice an incredulous, demanding boom. "Regina, I'm serious! It's weird!"

* * *

At Henry's insistence, they decided to have dinner at Granny's Diner. Regina did her best to keep up her appearances as Richard by doting on both Emma and Henry. Although she did spare Emma vicious glares when she knew no one was looking. The infuriating woman was being far too indulgent with their son. What was more, Emma knew she couldn't say or do anything about it. The blonde was spoiling him and ruining over ten years of her strict parenting along the way. Of course her son, the clever boy, was milking the situation just as thoroughly as Regina was with the Charmings. She eyed his large sugar coated ice cream sundae disdainfully and fought back a grimace at the sight of melted ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream smeared across his face. The sight was enough to have her breaking character. Involuntarily reaching for the boy, napkin in hand, and wiping at his messy cheeks.

"That is quite enough, Henry." She chastised sternly. When the mess refused to clear under the swipe of the napkin, she licked her thumb and started rubbing at the mess in earnest.

"Ew," Henry attempted to move away from the saliva coated thumb but Regina kept him in place. Completely focused on the task at hand up until her son brought her back to reality. "People are staring, _Dad_."

A quick sweep of her gaze confirmed that, yes, a few of the diner's occupants were staring. She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Henry. She would keep up with this charade but not at the expense of her son's assumption that he could get away with bad behavior because of it. She'd raised him better than that. "Either I will clean you of this mess or you will march right over to the restroom, wash up, and return to our table to finish your dessert in a more civilized manner. What will it be, young man?"

His pout received another stern, no nonsense look from his brunette mother. It was enough for Henry to humble himself. He placed his spoon down on the table and stood. Muttering a soft apology before rushing off to the restroom.

Emma arched a brow at the brunette, expression amused. "Seriously?"

Again Regina rolled her eyes before shifting her attention to the blonde. She frowned at what she found. Though less messy than their son, Emma had a small amount of ice cream and chocolate syrup smudged along her chin. Without sparing a thought to it, Regina licked at the napkin in her hand and brought it to Emma's chin. "Were you not taught to eat properly? It's no wonder our son-"

"Whoa." Emma grabbed at Regina's hand and pulled her face away from the offending napkin. Her brow arching even higher. Expression morphing from one of amusement to one of incredulity. "First off, _gross_. Keep your spit away from me." She tossed Regina's hand away from her and her gaze flickered to the stares they'd gained. "Second, people are totally staring."

Regina noted warily that people were yet again staring. If they even stopped in the first place. From the amount of patrons packed into Granny's it seemed nearly half the town was present. The imbeciles were clearly there to pay witness to the spectacle that was her newfound _relationship_ with Emma Swan. Being cursed was one thing. Having to parade around town as Emma Swan's lover? That was another thing entirely. Well, she grinned predatorily at the blonde, at least the ruse had its perks. Namely, embarrassing the hell out of her "fiancée". She dropped the napkin onto the table and brought her hand to Emma's face.

"Whatever you're planning to do, Regina," The blonde hissed out at a volume only loud enough for Regina's ears. "Don't."

Her response came in a voice that was loud enough for most of their onlookers to catch. "If you insist, darling."

"Regina." She hissed under her breath once more. A clear warning not do to whatever it was she planned to do. "I swear if you..."

The warning fell on defiant ears. A smattering of uncomfortable coughs and shocked gasps sounded throughout the diner. Hushed, gossiping whispers following immediately after. Regina grinned smugly at a wide eyed, flushed, and gaping Emma before repeating the action that'd garnered such a reaction. Emma only sat there, completely immobile and uncomprehending. Until the shock dissipated and she realized what in the world was happening.

"Did you just..." She narrowed her eyes at the brunette. Frowning when she caught the victorious smirk across Regina's lips. "Why would you even..." That insufferable smirk faltered slightly, brown eyes widening just so. "You licked me."

Regina looked almost shocked by the statement. Then the expression was gone, replaced by a terse smile. What in the world had she been thinking? She could still taste the remnants of chocolate, sugar, and something all Emma Swan on her tongue. Could vibrantly recall the feel of soft skin and the sweet scent and the strange way her heart had been pounding beneath her chest. It had to be the result of this curse. Yes, that was it. This venomous curse had to be the reasoning behind her appalling actions. "A momentary lapse in judgement, I assure you."

Before anything more could be said Henry returned from the restroom. Emma stared after her as the brunette made a hasty exit from the booth.

"Why do you have a weird look on your face?" Henry inquired while scrunching up his own face.

Emma's attention snapped away from the restroom door Regina had disappeared behind. Her cheeks flushed at the inquiry. "What weird look? There's no weird look. Your face is a weird look."

Emma frowned when his gaze turned even more skeptical. She knew she was probably panicking. Just a little bit. But she was allowed wasn't she? Regina Mills freaking licked her. Out of nowhere. It was only natural that she was confused and freaked out and maybe a little turned on. No, not turned on. Well, maybe. Her blush worsened under her son's stare. She really should not be thinking about Regina that way in the presence of their son. "Finish your ice cream, kid."

At the reminder of his melting treat, Henry shrugged and did as told. He made sure to eat the treat at a slower and less messy pace.

"Sheriff Swan."

The sound of the voice had Emma inwardly groaning. Did he have to show up and engage her only minutes after a freak out inducing moment? She looked up at the perpetually frowning man and decided that Mr. Gold was definitely on her least favorite people list. That and she wasn't in the mood to play nice. Especially after he refused to help them. "What do you want, Gold?"

"I require your assistance, Sheriff." Though the words were said in his usual emotionless monotone Emma could see the flare of disdain in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah?" She grinned a grin she knew would irritate the hell out of him.

"I would like to report a missing person. Belle disappeared shortly after your," He sneered down at her, his grip on his cane tightening. "Little visit. You will find her and bring her back to me."

Emma lifted a brow at the command. "I'm not your lapdog, Gold. She probably just needs space after what happened."

"You _will_ find Belle and bring her to me." His eyes flickered gold and he leaned a fraction of an inch closer to Emma. He was far from entering her personal space but the action was still threatening nonetheless. "Or have you forgotten the favor I am owed."

Her eyes narrowed at the mention of the favor. She was sure Belle only wanted to get away from the overbearing man for a while. After learning he wasn't as in love with her as she was with him, needing a little space to think was a normal course of action. The last thing Emma wanted to do was find Belle and return her to Gold like she was his lost property. The girl needed away from him and would come back when she was damn well ready.

"Is this you calling in that favor?" It was posed like a challenge, her tone aggressive and features set.

A flash of danger sparked in his dark eyes. The corners of his mouth twitched, a hint of trepidation briefly drawing his thin lips taut. He couldn't call in the favor. Not when this obnoxious woman held the key to finding his long lost son. No. He wouldn't give up his only chance to find Bae. He wouldn't lay centuries worth of plans to waste. All of his treachery came down to one goal; his reunion with his son. He wouldn't give up on Bae, not even for Belle.

"No." The word was spat through gritted teeth. "However," He might not be willing to let go of the favor he was owed but if there was one thing Rumplestiltskin was good at it was proposing deals people couldn't refuse. "I do believe I have some information you and your _fiancé_ might find yourself in need of, dearie."

Emma held her ground, staring Gold down with steely blue eyes. Was she willing to reduce Belle to a simple possession in exchange for what he knew?

* * *

Regina was not pleased. She was not pleased in the slightest. After spending over ten minutes in the restroom attempting to compose herself the last thing she needed to see was Emma striking a deal with the imp. By the time she made her way over to their table, Gold was throwing her a taunting look as he exited the diner and Emma only looked at her with that damnable kicked puppy expression. When the blonde had opened her annoying mouth to explain what idiot deal she made with Rumplestiltskin, Regina lost whatever composure she'd gained in her absence. And now? Now Regina was resigned to silently stew in her rage while throwing withering looks over at her blonde companion every other minute.

"Would you stop glaring at me?" Emma finally snapped under the Queen's unforgiving glower. She stopped right in front of the entrance to the Sheriff's station and glared right back at the brunette. "So I made a deal with Gold. It isn't the end of the world, Regina."

"And how can you be so sure?" Her dark glare shifted into the makings of a full on scowl. "Any deal made with that imp never fails to end against my favor. Whatever information he has promised you will do much more harm than good."

The blonde rolled her eyes at Regina's theatrics. Her dramatic flourish so didn't have the same effect when she looked and sounded like a dude. Plus, she was being such a _brat_ about the whole thing. Totally explained where Henry got the attitude. All they had to do was bring Belle to Gold and he would tell them whatever he knew about breaking the curse. If Belle didn't want to stay with him then they wouldn't make her. Making her stay with him wasn't part of the deal. "Look, Gold knows something and he's going to tell us what that is. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is, _Miss Swan_, that you made a deal with Rumplestiltskin regarding _my_ well being and I highly doubt that whatever he tells you will be of any real use. He is a trickster and a snake and would much rather see me suffer than-"

"I'm not going to argue with you about this. I made the deal, I'm going to follow through with it, and Rumple-_freaking_-stiltskin is going to tell us how to fix you. Unless you have any better ideas this is what we're doing." Emma didn't bother to wait for a response. She yanked open the door to the station and started marching in without a backward glance.

Regina watched after her with a deepening scowl. Where did Emma get off treating her like a whining teenager? Her reasons against making deals with Rumplestiltskin were more than valid. Nothing good ever came of bargaining with that imp. She supposed she should have seen the other woman's retaliation coming. Regina's attempts at embarrassing the blonde had a 98% success rate. The only failures being her presumed engagement to the damnable woman and the most recent... _incident_ at the diner. Her scowl slipped into a disdainful frown, a faint pink flush creeping across her cheeks at the recollection, and she followed after the quickly retreating blonde. If Emma wanted to deal with Rumplestiltskin, fine. She wouldn't be the one to bail the blonde out when shit got real. That would teach her to heed Regina's warnings.

"What are we even doing here?" Regina caught up to the other woman in a few quick strides. Her taller stature allowing her to do so with ease. "I doubt Miss French would choose to lock herself away. She's spent more than a few decades in a cell."

Emma's jaw clenched even further. The brunette's comment opened up a whole new can of worms and she couldn't bite her tongue fast enough. "And whose idea was it to keep her prisoner? Just because you had beef with-"

"_Have. _Present tense, Miss Swan." Regina glared pointedly. "There are old wounds that will never heal. Which is precisely why this deal you've struck will only succeed in making my situation and, by extension, your idiotic charade even worse."

The statement sent a tremor down her spine. She knew things between the former mentor and student were less than civil. She knew Gold was a snake and Regina was just barely stepping into the realm of reformation. She knew there was a big chance the information they got out of this deal would be either cryptic or entirely useless. But Regina was really unhappy. Despite the curse allowing the brunette to embarrass the shit out of Emma, she could tell that Regina was barely holding it together by a thread. She was freaked out and upset by the entire ordeal and all Emma wanted to do was fix it. She was going to break this stupid curse, find the jerk that was behind it, and kick their ass. But first... what the hell was Mulan doing at the station?

Surprised, Emma merely stared at the warrior turned deputy while Mulan stared right back. Regina only held back a wary sigh and slipped her hands into the pockets of her dress pants. Waiting for Emma to proceed with whatever it was she intended by coming to the station.

Mulan allowed the silence for another thirty seconds before breaking it with a greeting nod. "Sheriff."

"What are you doing here?"

Mulan's gaze swept across the small pile of paperwork atop her desk and then the deputy uniform she was wearing before meeting wide green eyes once more. "Working?"

"I thought you'd be Ruby."

The former warrior lifted a dark brow at the statement. She wondered if all the hair potions crafted in this world had finally infiltrated Emma's brain and caused irreparable damage. "As you can see, I am not Ruby."

The handsome dark haired man that'd entered with the sheriff let out a low, amused chuckle and Mulan's gaze shifted toward him. She continued to eye the stranger as she spoke. "She asked me to come here in her place. Something about planning your bachelorette party."

Emma laughed awkwardly, green eyes darting over to Regina and fixing the heartily chuckling brunette with a death glare.

"Shouldn't you be planning your wedding ceremony with your betrothed?"

"Oh, um," The blonde tore her scathing glare away from Regina. A soft flush creeping across her cheeks as she gestured at the brunette. "This is Richard. My," Though the corners of her lips lifted into a smile, her clenched jaw and gritted teeth were more than apparent. "Fiancé."

As if on cue, Regina stepped forward with a charming smile. Preparing to introduce herself and possibly fluster Emma further. Her introduction was halted by Mulan's loud, obscene laughter. The deputy's dark eyes were bugged out, her face flushed vibrant red as she clutched at her stomach with one hand and pounded on the desk with the other. It wasn't until her laughter dwindled down into a mirthful grin that she squared them both with a _look_. "Are you trying to tell me that all of Storybrooke believes you are marrying Regina?"

"We aren't _actually_ going to get..." Her eyes narrowed at the deputy. "Hey, wait. How did you know she was, he was... um?"

The look she was giving them didn't waver. "Are you serious?"

They only blinked dumbly back at her.

"I pretended to be a man so that I could join the imperial army on my father's behalf. I know what trying to emulate a man looks like and Regina?" She allowed her gaze to roam the queen's masculine figure. "You're not even trying."

Regina only rolled her eyes, shrugged her broad shoulders, and crossed her arms over her chest. Her chin held high and nose upturned. Clearly not deigning the comment response worthy.

Emma watched Regina get into her usual stance of boredom. Watched her cock her hip and begin to inspect her cuticles. How was it that no one else noticed _Richard_ wasn't exactly swimming in testosterone?


	5. Tonight Won't Make A Difference

Chapter Five: Tonight Won't Make A Difference

Disclaimer: Don't own it. If I did it would be one pretty effed up show.

Warning: Mature themes. Cursing (both kinds). Possible magic gone awry. **Trippy ass shit.**

A/N: Aw man. I want like a totally epic cover picture thing for this but I suck at graphic whatchmacallits. Or I don't have the patience for it or something. Meh. Someone make me one. I will give you my soul in exchange. And this chapter. You can have this chapter too.

LauratheChef: I might be persuaded to tell you in exchange for sugary baked goods.

To Princess Alexandria: First scene of this chapter was inspired by you, bb.

To Themadhatter: We will get there, honeybuns. For now they will slowly progress toward feelings.

To jeep28: Oooo, fabulous. I like that. I like it a lot.

To piecesofyourheart: Nom nom nom. I demand more cookies! And real to the characters? Oh, my sweet little cookie dispensary, I think I love you. I had a review for '_You Can't Be Serious_', totally pimpin' my other smexier fic, that said I destroyed their SwanQueen-ness dynamic. I cried in the corner with a tub of ice cream and refused to acknowledge that poor fic's existence for a month.

To the Guest reviewer imagining Antonio Banderas: Free imaginative reign, baby.

To Firetoflame: Since I was the indirect cause to your apparent near death experience, here is a new chapter for you to enjoy. The consumption of food and/or beverages should be safe for the duration of your reading experience.

To the reviewers who commented on Regina's questionable manliness: Oh what craziness I have in store for you!

To all the readers who enjoyed Mulan's entrance into the story: I'm writing her as a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind. Yeah. Totally just did that. ;)

P. S. I will sell a bitch my soul for some cover art made especially for this fic. I ain't playin'. This is unbeta'd once again because I seem to finish writing this stuff while my beta is sleeping and I'm an extremely impatient person.

* * *

"No." Mulan frowned, brows creasing as she assessed the other brunette. "You can't saunter about the room like _that_. It's beyond my comprehension how no one has taken notice of your complete lack of masculinity."

Regina sneered at the deputy. Her hands settled atop her hips in her signature '_what did you just say to me_' stance. She didn't give a flying fuck what this bossy warrior woman thought. It wasn't even Regina's idea to take up this charade in the first place. There was no reason for her to actively have to emulate a man. She was not going to be stuck in this body. She didn't _want_ to be a man, she didn't _want_ to pretend to be Emma's lover, and she sure as hell didn't _want_ to endure a minute more of being told what to do.

"I refuse to endure a moment more of this."

The cursed queen was gone in a swirl of purple smoke. Leaving Emma and Mulan staring at the empty space she'd been standing in. Their stares gave way to wary eye rolls before they turned to face each other.

"Sorry. She's been a little crankier than usual since the curse thing." Emma didn't know why she felt the need to apologize for Regina's rude and downright bitchy behavior. Mulan was only trying to help. So what if Regina was epically failing under the other woman's tutelage. Though she supposed it didn't help that she started whistling the melody to "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from the Disney movie. Which of course went right over Mulan's head while Regina recognized it instantly. Compliments of having a kid who was into fairytales.

The deputy shrugged. After months of living in Storybrooke and getting a real feel for the town, for this new and interesting world, she was used to Regina's attitude. Despite the woman's cruel past she was usually the voice of reason among the royalty present in Storybrooke. King George, the pompous lout, was constantly demanding things he felt he was entitled to and usually crushing people beneath his boot to obtain what he wanted. King James generally went about town clapping people on the back quite heartily, grinning like a schoolboy, and unsheathing his sword at the slightest hint of provocation. Queen Snow White had taken to communing with the birds, telling children daring tales in the parks, and traipsing about town as though she hadn't a care in the world. There were others such as the cinder girl turned princess and her young prince along with her king of a father in law. She'd also heard of some prince named Eric and a Queen Merida. And, of course, there was Princess Emma. Although Mulan would not classify the blonde as such. Emma Swan did not share her royal parents' outlook on life or deeply ingrained sense of self righteous entitlement. There were more royals residing in town, she was sure, but the more popular ones tended to live in some self created fantasy land. Simply put, she respected Regina as a Mayor. The town was running efficiently under the former Evil Queen and Mulan respected a proficient leader.

"You should probably go after her." She moved to sit at her desk, fully intending to finish the paperwork she'd been interrupted from. "Whenever Aurora storms away dramatically she expects me to chase after her."

The blonde chuckled at the offhanded comment. She'd been privy to more than one of the incidents Mulan was referring to. "Yeah but you and Aurora are a thing."

"Are you implying that you and Regina are not a 'thing'?" She spared a momentary glance away from her unfinished paperwork.

Emma flushed beet red at the inquiry. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and completely blanked on a response. What the hell was she supposed to say to that? What the hell was Mulan trippin' on? Did the warrior not understand the whole "Regina got cursed into male form, one thing led to another, and now we're fake engaged" explanation? Maybe she shouldn't have added the "one thing led to another" bit. That statement sort of implied a thing. "Regina and I are _not_ a thing."

Mulan sighed and set down her pen. She swiveled in her uncomfortable office chair to face the other woman. Her features were set, resolute, unyielding. She was basically giving Emma her patented '_you really are an idiot_' expression. An expression that Emma hadn't really been on the receiving end of since they hopped the portal to Storybrooke. "From what I understand, you have engaged in a courtship of the Queen. If this 'thing' you are referring to is courting then yes, you do have a thing with Regina."

"Hey! What? Courting? I'm not... Dude, what the fuck?"

The deputy had to resist the urge to walk right over to this supposed princess and smack some sense into her. "Do you often pay her visits?"

"Well, yeah. But mostly for Henry." Emma shrugged and slipped her hands into her front pockets. "Sometimes she asks me if I wanna stay for dinner or coffee or stuff. I don't see how that's-"

"Have you given her gifts or trinkets of affection?"

"I bought her coffee. Once." The blonde emphasized. In the next moment her firm tone crumbled. "Okay, maybe twice. Or six times. Seven if you include that time I brought her lunch. Maybe ten. You know what, we'll say twenty. That's a good solid number. Twenty coffees." She nodded her head once in confirmation. "And roses for her new vase. She kept complaining about having this fancy new vase but no flowers to put in it or whatever. And I guess," She brought a thoughtful hand to her cheek, the look in her green eyes far away and her expression one of concentration. "There were those earrings Henry wanted to give her. I mean, we both picked them out but I technically bought them. I have the credit card bill to prove it. Oh, and that scarf she wore last Tuesday was-"

"And now you've found yourself engaged." Mulan shrugged and returned to her paperwork. "I rest my case."

Did she just get schooled by freaking Mulan? "Technically not to _Regina_ and uh, hello, we're **fake** engaged!"

"You realize the longer you stand here trying to convince me otherwise the angrier your 'fake' fiancée becomes, right?"

She didn't care if Regina got all angry. She didn't care about her fake fiancée's stupid diva tantrum. Regina could blow up freaking Storybrooke for all she cared because they were not a _thing_!

...

Maybe she should make sure Regina wasn't about to blow up the town. She rushed toward the exit, only pausing when she heard Mulan's soft chuckle. "Just to be clear, Regina and I are not together. I'm only going after her because if I don't she could end up setting the town on fire."

Emma walked away without waiting for whatever (likely taunting) response Mulan had in store for her. It was probably for the best that Emma missed the deputy's smug, "Definitely a _thing._"

* * *

Chasing after Regina proved to be a bust. The brunette wasn't at the mansion and Emma couldn't find her at the cemetery either. It was due to utter desperation that the Savior ended up cruising around Storybrooke looking for the damnable woman. She was on her third tour when she caught sight of a figure in the woods. She would've kept on cruising had the figure not been tall, masculine, and dark haired. It was with a heavy sigh of frustration that Emma pulled the police cruiser (Regina refused to ride in her trusty yellow bug) off to the side of the road and headed for the woods. She called out to Regina, shining her flashlight around the trees and greenery. The woods at night were freaking creepy as hell. The hushed sound of voices coming from her left didn't make it any less creepy. Emma steeled herself nonetheless and headed in the direction of the noise.

"Ruby?"

The woman in question immediately spun around to face her, eyes squinted under the beam of Emma's flashlight. "Emma?"

She shifted the direction of her flashlight to find a blushing Belle. A blushing, now female Belle. "How did-"

"That," Emma jumped at the voice, her flashlight swiveling toward the sound. It came from the previously empty spot next to her where a seething Mr. Gold was suddenly standing. His dark glare trained on Ruby. "Is precisely what I would like to know."

"Whoa. Give a girl a warning before you just randomly appear next to her, huh."

He addressed her without moving his gaze away from Ruby's, without even blinking. "Your services are no longer required, Sheriff. Take your friend and leave."

"I'm not going anywhere." Ruby honest to god growled at the man. Her voice dipping into a deep, threatening timber and her eyes flashing amber. She took a subtle step forward and in front of a still shocked Belle.

A creepy little smile skittered across Rumplestiltskin's face, his glare glimmering gold and skin sparkling faintly. "It wasn't a request, dearie."

Emma watched Ruby's jaw tense and Gold's eyes narrow. Paired with the way Ruby had her hands clenched and the way Gold was gripping his cane the whole thing looked like a stand off to the blonde. In that very moment Emma realized exactly what she'd been missing. Belle wasn't cursed anymore and she had the sneaking suspicion that Ruby had everything to do with the fact. Which explained Gold's pissy mood and the show down she needed to quickly diffuse. "I think everyone just needs to chill out."

"Our deal was that you find Belle and give her to me. Now," His glare remained firmly locked with Ruby's. "_Give her to me_, Sheriff."

Emma frowned. She wanted nothing more than to grab his stupid cane and club him over the head with it. Unfortunately, he was the Dark One and would probably flay her alive before she could even move. Plus, Regina would be totally pissed. Not that she cared what Regina thought... most of the time. "My understanding of our deal was that I find her and bring her to you. Well, I found her and you brought yourself so I consider my end of the bargain completely fulfilled."

The explanation forced his glare away from Ruby to land on the blonde sheriff. He scowled at her, his features contorting into viciousness. "I am not a man to be trifled with, Miss Swan."

"Don't you threaten her, Rumplestiltskin." The deep rumbling growl of Ruby's voice seemed to be shifting into something a lot less human.

"You have corrupted _my_ Belle and you dare challenge me, you mongrel!" The rise of his voice was accompanied by the flare of a fireball in his hand. "You are nothing but a filthy animal whose head I will take great pleasure in hanging above my mantel."

Ruby made to lunge for the man, a beastly roar ripping from her throat. Canines elongating and hands morphing into claws. Belle sprang into action, wrapping her arms around the other woman's torso and trying to pull her back. "Stop! Please, stop it!"

The cry seemed to reach both volatile parties. The fireball in Rumplestiltskin's hand evaporated instantly and Ruby froze mid lunge, her features shifting back into her human visage. When it looked like they were no longer in attack mode, Belle pulled away from Ruby. Her blue eyes were wide and confused and shining with unshed tears, they shifted from Ruby to Gold and back again as she slowly backed away from the scene. "I... I can't... I-"

"Belle." He addressed her in the softest tone Emma had ever heard the man use. He didn't move from his spot when he outstretched a hand toward her. His features were almost pleading. Soft and a little sad. "Please, love, come with me."

Ruby seemed to slink back into the shadows as the scene unravelled. Her bottom lip caught between the bright white of her teeth and her eyes cast downward. Her kiss might've broken Belle's curse but she had no doubt in her mind what Rumplestiltskin meant to the other woman. She'd been tossed aside once before for the despicable excuse of a man. Calling out to the woman she loved, pleading for a chance only to be rejected again was not worth the heartache she knew would follow.

"No." The single word was said in barely a whisper with an aching undercurrent of pure emotion behind it.

The response had Ruby's heart jolting with hope, her gaze snapping up to land on determined blue. Her mouth fell open, words on the tip of her tongue waiting to be dispelled. Waiting for the chance to be said aloud, to voice the question she was too afraid to even think.

"Are you choosing this... this..." He struggled with himself, with the vengeful monster rattling the badly constructed cage inside of him. A part of him wanted to tear his competition to shreds while the other part of him, much smaller and slowly growing, wanted to give Belle whatever she wanted. Even if she wanted someone else. Because he wanted her to be happy and maybe that happiness could not be found with someone like him. "Do you want to go with Miss Lucas?"

They both held their breath, anticipating the answer with equal parts dread and yearning.

"No." Belle articulated slowly. Taking great care to formulate the words in her head before speaking them out loud. She was well aware that one misstep could set the monsters inside either of them off. "I don't want to go with either of you. I'm not my True Love's true love, Ruby broke the curse, and I need to think about what it all means. I need time to think about what I want."

She didn't, _couldn't_, see their reactions. She couldn't bear it. So she turned and fled, hoping neither of them would attempt to follow her. Hoping they understood that she needed time away from them to sort through the sudden chaos of her mind.

Emma glanced between the two forlorn looking individuals and frowned. How the hell did she get stuck playing awkward forth wheel to this weird love triangle? She really tried to keep her mouth shut until one of them like left or said something, she really did. But awkward situations and Emma Swan meant trouble. Trouble in the form of Emma opening her mouth and totally putting her foot in it. "Hopefully this turns out better than _Twilight_."

If the way they were looking at her was any indication, Emma definitely should've kept her mouth shut. "I mean no offense, Gold but... well, actually you can be as offended as you want because I don't really like you. At all. But, um, I'm totally Team Ruby."

Oh, look, the fireball was back. And so were Ruby's trippy wolf fangs and claws and stuff and uh oh.

Emma stepped into the line of fire before they manage to attack one another. The fireball singed her shoulder, leaving a charred gaping hole in her brand new leather jacket. Ruby's claws swiped at her back, ripping the beautiful dark leather to shreds and glancing across her skin. The blonde let loose a string of colorful curses. Choice phrases that were enough to have Gold eyeing her with trepidation and Ruby blushing. Emma's brows furrowed at her assessment of her jacket and she winced at the stinging of her back where Ruby's blow landed. "I better not turn into a werewolf."

"Emma, I'm _so_ sorry I-"

"It's cool, Rubes. Totally my bad." She offered the brunette a comforting smile. "I, uh, could you give us a minute?"

Ruby looked as though she was about to protest leaving her best friend's daughter alone with the Dark One.

"I'll be fine. I promise."

The brunette took a moment to weigh her options. She really didn't want to leave Emma alone with the volatile man but she knew the blonde wouldn't allow her to stay. She vaguely recalled one of them mentioning a deal. If there was one even slightly good thing about Rumplestiltskin it was that he always honored his deals. Lacking as the exchange might be in the end.

"If I don't hear from you in the next half hour I'm calling your parents."

Emma narrowed her eyes and frowned. She hated it when they treated her like she was a kid. She was a grown ass woman goddamn it. With the thought in mind, she childishly stuck her tongue out at the retreating brunette. She didn't turn to face Rumplestiltskin until she was sure Ruby was far enough away that she couldn't eavesdrop.

"I am sorry as well, dearie. Oh, forgive me." Rumplestiltskin spat through gritted teeth. "I'm actually not sorry in the slightest as I harbor a great dislike for those who do not honor their deals."

Emma arched a brow at the man. Seriously? "Uh, yeah, I did."

"You did not. I asked you to-"

"Look, Gold. You asked me to find Belle and bring her to you except I found her and you followed me to where she was. So, yeah, _technically_ I brought her to you." She fixed him with a hard glare. She knew he would try to get out of their deal so she came prepared. "What you didn't ask me to do was make her stay with you. Making her your captive was never part of the deal."

The words, thrown like accusations, hit him full force. He never intended to cage Belle.

"Now it's your turn to give me the information you promised."

"Very well, Miss Swan." In less than a millisecond his poker face was back in place. "I believe you witnessed what, exactly, could break Regina's curse."

She arched a brow at him. "A weird love triangle?"

"No."

"Fireballs?"

"No."

"Werewolves?"

"No." This time it was almost grated, his patience worn thin. He couldn't tell if she was honestly that stupid or if she was deliberately toying with his sanity. "True Love's kiss."

"Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't say that."


End file.
